stupid people
The Pestiside Guide to Staying Out of Kontroll
Hitching a ride on Budapest's public transportation is generally a pleasant experience; the views can be lovely, and most of the drunks are harmless. Best of all, for one reason or another, it's free! Well, not really – but it can be, simply if you pay attention while you ride, are not in a hurry, and have the wits to play cat-and-mouse with a squadron of undercover government agents. Budapest's buses, trams, and subways all operate according to the "honor system" - but hey, they're traveling to wherever you're going whether you're "honorable" or not. With this justification in mind, or maybe just because they're being shameless skinflints, many riders - especially locals - hardly ever pay for their urban travels. (Humph – "honor system." More like, "sucker system!") But there is a covert team out there tasked with tracking down these ride-filchers and bringing them to justice – the dreaded ellenőr, or as they're also known, the Kontroll. To get an idea of what to expect, here's the trailer for the cult movie of the same name:
The Kontroll team may be ruthless, but they are not police. Their authority extends only to the confines of buses and trams, and to the white lines of the metro-station boundaries. Still, they have the unenviable job of ridding the transit system of bums like me – but we have methods to our mean madness. With the fines for not having a validated ticket having recently doubled to a heftyish Ft 5,000, anyone seeking similar stolen public transportation had best follow this series of strategic steps to ride for free and stay "out of Kontroll."
Step 1 – Recognition
The Kontroll have, with sinister methods and unpleasant demeanor that inspired the hit film, earned a seriously nefarious reputation. Most of the time they prefer to remain low-profile, traversing the city undercover with only a few distinguishing features – they always wear drab clothes that easily conceal a necklace-badge, they're almost always frowning, and at least one of the pack carries a satchel on a shoulder strap to carry their paperwork and armband. When making themselves known, they apply three standard protocols:
Standing guard at random metro entrances to check that boarding riders bought and punched their tickets. These guys are a piece of cake that costs one metro fare; if you spot them, just turn around, buy a ticket, punch it, and proceed with impunity. If you have to take the metro, however, you're best off buying a ticket ahead of time anyway, because of Kontroll that is occasionally…
Standing guard at random metro exits to check that departing riders bought and punched their tickets. Here things get tricky. If you callously depended on luck or instinct and skipped buying a ticket before boarding the subway, now you're trapped – usually several Kontroll officers block in the stairs and escalators leading up to ground level and sweet freedom, checking every single rider that departs. Prepare for Step 3 and/or Step 4.
Slipping aboard the bus, tram, or metro cars, waiting until the doors shut, dropping their cover, and beginning interrogations. Okay, this is serious – few fears haunt Budapest commuters more than being suddenly stuck next to a seemingly innocent rider in the process of pulling out their necklace-badge while reaching into their satchel – hand emerging with a big white, blue, and red armband donned around the wrist. Moving away may not help – it draws attention, and oftentimes Kontroll travels in packs, so you may dodge one officer only to bump into another. All might seem lost - or at least the Ft 5,000 fine - but don't succumb to fear, and you may yet escape, using Step 3, Step 4, and, most importantly, Step 2.
Crucial to know when taking on the Kontroll is that they are lazy, they have a quota to fill, and they are trained to be unsympathetic to the plights of poor riders (and especially backpack-toting tourists). So, with a basic understanding of what you're up against, the next steps will help you lose Kontroll every time you ride.
Step 2 – Prevention
Avoiding Kontroll in the first place is the best way to stay out of Kontroll. There are several general rules of thumb that apply here:
Major transportation hubs are often hot with Kontroll. If traveling to a transit center where lots of buses, trams, and metro lines converge, such as Nyugati ter or (shudder) Deak ter, expect Kontroll to be patrolling the scene and prepare accordingly. Conversely, random stops with few or no transfer connections are generally safe – most Kontroll officers won't venture out of their way to patrol a remote commuter outpost.
Always carry an unpunched ticket. If you have a valid ticket with you and you sit or (more wisely) stand near a ticket-punching machine on board the buses and trams, and Kontroll suddenly steps aboard to begin playing gumshoe, you can quickly punch the ticket and probably not receive any major guff for it, if checked. Probably. Also, an unpunched ticket becomes invaluable if you need to utilize Step 3.
Station yourself amid human shields. When on board the bus, metro, or tram, don't plop down in the seat nearest the doors – edge your way to the middle of the most crowded segment of the car. This way, if Kontroll gets on board, they'll have to ask other riders for their tickets before they get to you, allowing you precious time to slip away and get off at the next stop. (The "Circles of Safety" at the joining point of bus and tram segments are especially safe havens.)
Look ahead at tram stops. Try to always ride in the first car, and then, when pulling up to each stop, scan the platform and look out for groups of two or three chatting people fitting Kontroll description, who then suddenly split up when the tram stops and each get on board in different doors. Chances are they're officers undercover, preparing to divide and conquer.
Ride only during rush hours. True, cruising Budapest crammed in standing-room-only conditions may not be the comfiest way to ride, but if Kontroll can't even move around on board, how can they patrol for the deviants in their crowded midst?
No matter how careful you are in avoiding a confrontation with Kontroll, if you ride long enough, eventually you will end up face-to-face with an officer, at which point you'll have to take the next step...
Step 3 – Negotiation
Here's the real test of your ride-filching muster. The Kontroll officer has you cornered and starts rapping at you, first in Hungarian and then in English. It will be a long few moments before the next stop and the liberating prospect of opening doors; in the meantime you must face the music – even if you manage not to listen.
DO NOT acknowledge that you speak English. While Kontroll officers all speak enough English to make their point quite forcefully, they hardly ever speak French, Spanish, or Italian; Russian and German is a bit more chancy (especially among older Kontroll), but if you can speak Gaelic, Cantonese, Swahili, or some other exotic tongue, you're golden. Just play dumb and keep speaking at them in your chosen language, and kill time until you get to the next stop, at which point pretend to be overcome with confusion, and move on to Step 4.
If carrying an unpunched ticket, take your time searching for it, and then present it with confidence. This isn't going to help your situation much - they're still going to try to fine you once they see that your ticket was never validated, but this will still kill a decent chunk of time before the salvation of the next stop, and you can argue that you "just didn't understand the system" in the meantime. They may make you punch it and bark at you, but you'll probably get away with it… unless the ticket is wrinkled with age and scrawled with phone numbers.
Never (obviously) carry more than Ft 1,200 in your wallet. Okay, so they spotted your G8-nation ID and they aren't buying the ticket-punching confusion bit. Now they'll start pressing you for the Ft 5,000 "sanction" (as they ominously call it), but if you don't have the money to pay it, what can they do? If they accept anything less than the full sanction, it's an obvious bribe (which most Kontrollers are certainly not above considering). Native Hungarians have to give Kontroll their addresses and await a bigger fine by mail – but for international "tourists" (even those with apartments and jobs in the city), the Kontroll isn't going to deal with expensive foreign correspondence when they can just move along and collect another fine in minutes. If it comes down to it, offer to pay "if we can find an ATM" – and on the tiny chance they take you up on that, skip to Step 4.
Keep "searching" for your pass. Check every pocket and bag, mumbling the words "Budapest Card," killing as much time as possible before the inevitable If you don't have anything to say, don't say anything at all. The ballsiest performance you can give is a complete obliviousness to the Kontroll's presence, even if the officer screams in your ear – the way of black-belt ride filchers. This method is best attempted only after several Kontroll encounters.
Of course, your smooth talking (or silence) won't always convince the officer to move on down and harass the next guy. If they know you have no validated ticket, or that you have the cash to pay the fine, they next pull a receipt book from that satchel and begin writing you up for a soon-to-be-demanded Ft 5,000. Don't give up! There's still the tried and true…
Step 4 – Evasion
Now remember - once you've passed the boundaries of Kontroll's lairs, you're safe from their clutches until you next decide to filch a ride again. But getting out ain't gonna be easy… well, it may be, but it still won't be pleasant. But hey, you're probably living out here looking for adventure anyway, so here's your chance to pretend you're the world's lowest-grade secret agent - and you've already accepted the mission.
Plan your escape. While stalling for time during Negotiations, note your position relative to the closest doors. Are there people blocking out a potential escape, making another route necessary? Does the exit have a button that needs pressing before the doors will open? Is the Kontroll officer physically blocking you in, requiring shifting your position while "searching" for your ticket? Advanced filchers go so far as to scan the vicinity of the approaching stop, to check if any actual cops are hanging around with nothing better to do than chase you down – and if THEY catch you, this article ain't gonna help.
Create a scene. Kontroll relies on stealth to make their living, so a loud, obnoxious scene revealing their whereabouts pretty much blows their chances of catching someone less averse to paying the fine. At the very least, shouting "What's going on here?! I don't understand! Are you asking for a donation?!" will let fellow riders know there's Kontroll on board, perhaps inspiring them to help when you have to...
Run, tourist, run! Though technically they have no right to physically contact you in any way, Kontroll may gang up on you, grab your clothes, or block you, but as long as you have the will to be free (and a little force to back it up), you can wrestle your way past them and charge toward the open doors with the ferocity of a long-caged animal. Once you leap off that bus or tram, keep right on going… though you might want to slow it down to a brisk walk so as not to draw too much attention to yourself. Believe it or not, other riders will probably help you flee, "accidentally" blocking pursuing officers. You've done your part for them, identifying Kontroll's presence on board and distracting them, while fellow filchers practised Step 2.
(An important note - when you're in the metro system, you're pretty much screwed; attempts to run will be captured on camera, and the Kontroll has ample time to contact the police while you're trying to leave the underground labyrinth. Pretty much your only chance of escape if you spot a clump of Kontroll checking exiting passengers is to surround yourself with fellow commuters, avoid making eye contact with any officers, and just keep walking with a purpose past the checkpoint - they can't check every rider, and so with a little luck and brisk walking, you can be the one who slips through the cracks.)
After yet another free ride, either completely uncontested or involving a full-out Kontroll scuffle, you'll find your heart beating a tad faster as you relish the thrill of having gotten away from the Magyar powers-that-be. Feeling guilty? If you always keep an unpunched ticket with you, validating it only on the metro or in moments of (perhaps justified) paranoia, you can take comfort in knowing that hey, you pitched in some gas money, and again, the bus, tram, or metro would've been going that way whether or not you were aboard.
But if worst comes to worst, and you find yourself actually having to pay up to Kontroll, make sure that they A) Don't overcharge you - the fine is Ft 5,000, equal to about €20 or $25; and B) They write and give you a receipt for your fine, because otherwise that money is going straight into the Kontroll officers' pockets, and they'll later be having a fine drunken evening thanks to you. Also, as a thoughtful bonus, the receipt is valid for the rest of the day's travel.
By remaining diligent and true to these four steps, and by cherishing your status as a cheap bastard, you too can stay out of Kontroll in Budapest.
EMAIL
COMMENT!A highly disappointing and indeed, immoral post.
When Mr Gyurcsany and the rest of his fearless team are trying their darnest to make the Hungary 100% sparkling white (that's corruption-wise not ethnically, obviously), then we, as expats,(especially those of us from the naycer end of Europe and probably even the yanks) should be setting an example.
I, myself, always try to remember to buy a monthly pass, even though I've not seen kontrollers once this year on troli routes 70, 72, 74.
Laughably BKV have no legal right to ask Hungarian citizens for their IDs (személyi igazolvány and lakcim kartya) when Kontroll catch someone travelling without a valid ticket.
Instead, they operate a fine system that relies upon locals...wait for it...actually TELLING THE TRUTH about their personal details. I mean, WTF! If they were honest in the first instance, they wouldn't even be having the conversation, non?
But here's the rub. Regardless of the fact that only the dumbest of the dumb actually give their real details, BKV continue to send out payment demands by the shit load to fictitious names and places. Which, of course, they are happy to do as it keeps a whole troupe of lardy arsed, sour faced nenis at BKV towers in a cushy position (namely by the coffee maker).
Of course, that's why Kontroll love tourists. Easy pickings, with the opportunity to top up a meagre salary with that old chestnut "I'll do you a favour" before offering a nice fine reduction for those happy to forego their receipt.
Personally, I'd bring in Saudi style public floggings for fare evaders, with a double bill on Fridays for those artistically challenged twats who seem intent to turn downtown Budapest into a graffit ghetto.
As for The Rambler's comments about Gyurcsany, tell me you were being sarcastic right? Please!
oh, please. BKV works this way:
they make a yearly budget. it doesn't matter what is in it, it will not be enough. bp/state pays for the rest. BKV boss gives some cash back to the bigshots who agreed to pay the rest. so, everyone is happy. of course the people know this, so many say: why should i buy a ticket? this is the old story of corruption and the 'little man's' own petty response to it.
BKV does lose multiple amount of money from impotent, corrupt management than from the bliccelők. an automatic system for the metro would have paid itself in a couple of years. but they couldn't agree whose kft will deliver the equipment. so they hired yet another hundreds of cretins and gave them an armband.
also, the bkv ellenőrök hold enough right just to smell one's fart. parliament now wants to give them almost police rights. they should give them weapons as well, they already have the armbands...
if you punch or buy a pass: you are a sissy
that's ok. but don't moralise about those who got balls. the wild, untamed sons of puszta, who are not stopped by hordes of kontroll cunts. where the hell is my szablya?!?!?!?
this bliccelő ran amok with a 20 cm knife on the BKV people:
http://index.hu/politika/belfold/budapest/blic36728299/
Lol, Eric,
Personally, on the trams, I prefer the ballsy way. When they ask for my ticket, i just tell em "Nope, no ticket, send me the fine", and when they ask for my ID, I just give em my US passport, lol, which doesn't contain any info for em to send. Now, my fiancee harps that I shouldn't even give em my passport, but I've found that they just shrug and give it back. Though, I've also found the, "Yeah yeah, one second, I'm on the phone, piss off" approach tends to also work really well.
W
Just wanted to add one more comment. Personally, before the crap combino's were installed, I had no problem buying tickets, but my god, what a gilded piece of crap these are. There's absolutely no room whatsoever on them, which is made even worse by the odd Hungarian mindset of clustering around the doors, and not sliding down even though there's a wide open space not 1 meter away. Yeah, you know what, you're right, not buying tickets on the 4/6 is my own petty way of fighting the stupidity of the corrupt BKV system, but, still, the combino's aren't worth a used fart.
@Rambler, re: setting an example.
What kind of cultural imperialist thinks it's an expat's "duty" to set an example? Do you see the Magyars as some kind of morally deficient country that needs "our help", just as most people think of Africa or the middle-east? C'mon the Hungarians know EXACTLY what they're doing: beating the system, which is a mindset hammered into their heads over 40 years of Communism.
But let's roll with your premise of "setting examples" for a moment. If we Westerners ARE setting an example, it would be that of capitalists taking advantage of an inefficient system. Where an exploit exists, we yanks and wanks will find it - that's what makes markets work. Any honor system is bound to be corrupted, and it would make more sense to everybody to just have a pay-as-you-enter system. Not sure how this would work on the trams though.
As for paying or not, I actually believe (or used to, anyway, since the fines have gone up and I ride a bike everywhere I'm not sure the math works anymore) that whether you pay or not is irrelevant, because you'll probably come out either even or behind. Let's say you never buy a ticket. That would mean you'd have to not get caught or evade payment about 25 times before you'd beat the system. If you get caught and have to pay up, you're paying the system back for all the rides you took for free. So the way to go is to either NEVER buy a ticket or ALWAYS buy a ticket.
"What kind of cultural imperialist thinks it's an expat's "duty" to set an example?"
Danno
Quick! Duck! *WHOOOOOOOOOOOSH!*
Jeez, "Mr Gyurcsany and his fearless team", should have given you a clue
Let me get this right: this article, and a whole lot of the follow-up comments are about how to get away with not paying to use Budapest public transport. While there are some interesting rationalizations presented as to why this is OK, they are still rationalizations for stealing. Yeah, you heard right, STEALING. BKV isn't a free service, nor is any public transport around the world. Sure the single tickets might be expensive, sure an occasional inspector might be a jerk, but at the end of the day you all are still taking what isn't yours to take. And it don't matter that 'everyone else is doing it' either - that excuse ran out of steam when we were eight years old. Buy a freakin' ticket or if not and you get nailed, give the ellenor your real name and address. Dang!
Ben, you just don't get it.
As the saying goes: When in Rome, do as the Romans do. And there is clearly no nobler sport of Hungarians than avoiding to pay for something you ought to pay for. I am glad, that Eric is doing his best to involve a new group of players into this exhilarating game, thus preserving our honorable traditions. (Just try it, it is more fun than shoplifting!!) I surely hope this trait will never die out of us Hungarians, because if it does, we will be as sótlan, as most westeners.
But here are some rational arguments. In the last 20 years I (or my parents) _always_ bought a monthly ticket. Did I get a decent public service for this? No. Did I get air conditioning in the 4/6? No. Did I get a 4th metro-line? No. Did BKV get a copious amount of money from my duly payed taxes every year just to keep things the same? Yes. It is a pity that my catholic ethics do not allow me to "steal", but I sure have fun watching others.
You forgot to mention a few more popular excuses when caught without a ticket. 'I left my wallet/pass at home' - here you can give any address and name, they have no way to check it. Also, you can do the 'I-left-my-pass-at-home-will-show-it-afterwards-in-Akácfa-utca' routine (also give faulty personal details). Also, when riding földallati with no ticket the best spot is standing in the third wagon, by the first door, having a clear view on when the ellenőrök will board.
"While there are some interesting rationalizations presented as to why this is OK, they are still rationa "While there are some interesting rationalizations presented as to why this is OK, they are still rationalizations for stealing"
Ben,
Wellll, yes, technically...but when the little people see the political elite of all denominations diddling the country left right and centre, I can understand why they have no moral problem with cheating on BKV, APEH and what have you.
Give you an example, the MPS very kindly submitted themselves for a voluntary wealth assessment last year, sometime. Couple of hundred richer than average Hungarians having their income, finances and assets inspected- guess how many were given a clean sheet of wealt..er health?-just slightly over 99.9%. Pick a couple of hundred average income self-employed Hungarians, put them through the same check, reckon APEH would give us the same return?
The country does need a collective scrub with a hard wire brush but until the guys at the top start showing leadership in this respect, this culture of cheating the system will be seen as completely logical, honourable even
I do buy a berlet every month, but only because I'm making 100 plus journeys on the metro, buses etc, so the chances of me getting caught more than once are too high.
So then where do you draw the line Rambler? The political elite in Hungary and just about all of Eastern Europe and the former Soviet Union looted every former state enterprise they could get their hands on after '89. Does that make it 'OK' for me to bust into your flat and steal your TV?
Agree with you about the collective scrub, but I think its up to everyone - expats and Hungos - to do what we know is right. If we have to wait on Viktor and Feri to lead the way, we might as well wait on Jesus to get back here - it'll probably happen sooner.
"So then where do you draw the line Rambler?"
Me personally?
Every month I pay an extortionate amount of my salary towards *maintaining* a shitty and corrupt health system and towards a state pension that I have a cat in hell's chance of ever receiving. In all the time I've been working the government has not fulfilled its side of the bargain to me and millions others; until it does, we've no further responsibilities or moral duty towards either it or the Hungarian state
"Does that make it 'OK' for me to bust into your flat and steal your TV?"
No, because like you I'm only one of the "little" people, you'd be hurting one of your own
anyad put it right: "in rome do as the romans do". come on, take riding free is as a part of the bp experince, as much as the baths or the kerts.
Just for the record, I actually *never* ride black, unless I am unable to buy a jegy because all the machines are broken or the windown closed, or because I am unable to validate my ticket for the same reason. Even so, I still consider riding the BKV stealing of a sort, because the money I lay out for tickets, and in taxes for general subsidies, still isn't enough to cover the costs of services like this, meaning that at least part of my ride is funded by long-term borrowing by the city/state, which of course is just stealing from the next generation.
Well said, Erik. All the arguments for not buying a ticket seem to boil down to a few simple 'reasons':
1)They steal from me so it's OK to steal from them. Doh!
2)It's fun. A thrill. Whoo!
3)It's a corrupt service, and 'not worth' the money. Sigh!
Personally, I find Bp transport the most regular and reliable public transport system I have ever encountered. It beats London hands down, and all the systems in other European cities I have been to. I suspect that the real reasons that people don't pay is that they are selfish. Why should they pay for a public service if they don't have to. Roll on community Spirit BP! Just don't complain when corruption is perpetuated in other places.
Squid: Yes, and I should have also added that I similarly find the services themselves quite good indeed in comparison to other places I've been/lived. Boggles the mind, for example, that the MTA (New York BKV) still can't get it together to install clocks telling you when the last train left, or the next one is expected. On the other hand, you can still get that A train at 3:45 a.m.
Yeah I get it. God forbid that there is a way for your average schmuck to cheat the system and get ahead a little bit. Cheating the system should be for the wealthy only right? We need the average tool to contribute to keep our fixed costs down? For example we all know the owners of a few of those TOP33 restaurants that make significant expat sales are paying all of their proper taxes and aren't stuffing cash in their tighty whities or shipping it off to their offshore corp, right?
Erik, Squid, Ben why don't you try to live off of a "good" salary of 300.000/mo gross for a year and then get back to us on the affordability of transport in Hungary and why people should pay into a corrupt system if they have a chance to avoid it? A good questions is do all of you pay full income and social tax on the cash that you spend in Hungary? Or are you wealthy/savvy enough to legally or illegally avoid it?
To Anon:
For the record, I work for the state, and earn 110 000 NET a month. I try to supplement this in other ways, and can sometimes double it.. And yes, I do pay tax on all of it.
Yes, I buy tickets for the Metro.
No, I don't consider myself a sucker.
The reason for this is that I appreciate the public service that is provided and do not think it is unreasonable to have to pay for it. Same thing for social security contributions, same thing for pension.
Your logic is flawed: using the "they do it, so why shouldn't I" argument you can justify any kind of behaviour. I can honestly say that I have no problem whatsoever with paying the money BKV asks for the service it provides, regardless of my crappy salary.
...and, while we're asking for trouble, let it be known that I also like the new Combino trams. They're cleaner, quieter, smoother, more energy efficient and safer (noticed the cute little grey bumpers on their noses?)
Let's cut out the whining, shall we?
Squid,
Just because you have a very simplistic and dogmatic view of the world doesn't make it the only valid one. Don't be so evangelical of your viewpoint. My argument was that fares can be avoided simply because we can and also that there is little moral ambiguity since the system is very corrupt. People generally only follow civil laws because they fear the penalties not because it is morally wrong. "If you can't do the time, don't do the crime".
So if the people making the laws and spending the money are corrupt doesn't this say that there is little moral obligation to uphold their laws, especially if we can benefit from it?
Honestly the rich get rich because they either in combination: cheat, change the laws to their liking or are utterly brilliant. But rarely, if ever, just brilliant. Its the nature of our existence. Always has been, always will be.
Squid, why don't you put down The Book, get drunk, get stoned, cheat the BKV and have wild unprotected sex with strangers like the rest of us sinners?
I'm sorry I love the sport. Back when I was a student, monthly passes were quite affordable so I was never without one. But come on, almost 1 euro to ride just one line, and raising prices every 6 months, how does the average Budapest resident do it?
Other tips for evasion:
-Pretend to be really drunk and about to blow
-Pretend to be deaf and try to speak with sign language
-My French friend handed them his phone when they threatened to call the police: "Go ahead call the police"
-When you ride with a ticket keep all your old tickets with the good one. When asked to produce the ticket, dig through all of them till finding the correct one...will drive them crazy and save some other free riders.
Anon,
I don't feel my stance is a moral one. I wouldn't pay for a service I thought was shitty just out of principle. I value the service and don't mind paying the price for it. That's it.
But, although I'm sure we don't need to get into philosophical debates, when you say...
"So if the people making the laws and spending the money are corrupt doesn't this say that there is little moral obligation to uphold their laws, especially if we can benefit from it?"
I disagree. A moral stance is personal to the individual. If I were 'moral' I would probably pay for the service regardless of the actions of others.
Yours, perhaps boringly.
Squid
Based on this article, next time I witness a foreigner having a dispute with ticket controllers I am going to punch the "ballsy" cheater in the face without a single question instead of helping their communication. If you read something like this in the news you should know it was because of this very article. I will also encourage my friends to do so.
Or maybe one question - after all, we are civilized people.
You use it, you pay for it. It's that simple.
I do. What makes you think you don't have to?
See you on the ride.
@ Péter Szabó,
Next time I see a foreigner get punched in the face by some uber righteous local I might have to punch him in the face as well.
a 1000 Ft cash bribe buys you out of trouble almost every time. Just have it ready in your ID. Even 500 is enough.
Amazing and still relevant "how-to" guide, superb! Let them take my fare out of the 1 billion forint that they 'accidentally' overpaid to their own big shots. BKV is mafia, and we should not support these mafiosos. Anyhiow, in the capital of North Korea all transportation is always completely free, so what is BKV waiting for?
