Top Tips for Bored Budapest Riot Weekend Daredevils

Okay, so we're outta here until Monday. Not that we don't love a little trouble, but a four-day weekend is a four-day weekend, and the odds of this year's much-hyped March 15th holiday degenerating into a civil war, or even some mild, Danish-style mayhem, seem pretty slim. In fact, as painful as it is to even think about, our guess is that this whole weekend is going to be a massive snooze.

But just because we're ditching Budapest for the weekend doesn't mean you can't do your part to help make it a disgraceful orgy of senseless violence and social upheaval that no one will ever forget, unless they were killed or put in a coma during it. And to do our part in making this happen, we've cobbled together a list of suggested activities for daredevil types who want to get the ball rolling. They start off with the mildly hazardous, and then work up to the… slightly more hazardous. Feel free to add your own in the comment area below, and remember, you didn't hear it here. Have fun!

Slightly Hazardous

Attend one of the official March 15th-related events, or a rally sponsored by one of the country's major political parties.

Attend one of the unofficial March 15th-related events, or a rally sponsored by one of the country's smaller political parties

Bring along a costume to one of the aforementioned political events. If you are going to the Fidesz rally, wear a Socialist pin or T-shirt, or go to an official, Socialist-run state event wearing something that identifies you as a Fidesz supporter. If nothing happens, go to a rally being organized by MIÉP or Jobbik dressed up like Tevye from "Fiddler on the Roof."

Get a car and, in broad daylight, politely stop at every zebra crossing you come across in Budapest, cheerfully waving pedestrians across the street, and making sure that the people in the cars behind you can see what you are doing.

Moderately Hazardous

Bring along a roll of Mentos and a two-liter bottle of Coke Light to one of the aforementioned events. Pop two or three of the mints into the bottle, and then point it at the crowd.

Bring along a roll of Mentos and a two-liter bottle of regular Coke to one of the demonstrations. Pop two or three of the mints into the bottle, and point it at the crowd. Because it's regular Coke and all sugary, it'll be a much bigger mess than with diet.

Find a sweet-looking little old Hungarian lady who is taking her small dog for a walk in Budapest and politely ask her if she is going to clean up after it.

Eat a large lángos (piece of fried dough) slathered with extra sour cream, garlic oil and cheese, and then take a shot of St. Hubertus, the legendarily foul Hungarian discount herbal likőr. You'll see spots.

You're On Your Own

Eat the same large sajtos tejfölös fokhagymas lángos chased by the same evil shot of St. Hubertus. When you start to see spots, go to one of the aforementioned events, quickly down a mouthful of Coke Light and Mentos, and then point yourself at the crowd.

Burn down the Hungarian Socialist Party's (MSZP) headquarters at Köztarsaság tér. Torching Parliament or even the MTV headquarters is stupid, because Parliament is a nice building needed for the functioning of democracy, while the MTV HQ is a nice building needed for the broadcast of this year's Eurovision contest. But the MSZP HQ is an ugly building that is only needed for the functioning of the even uglier MSZP, and therefore an excellent candidate for a little lighthearted arson. There will be a big fuss, and if you are caught you may really regret having gone this far. But since the new head of Hungary's "new reds" has already announced he wants to move to a swankier office building in Buda (and has probably over-insured the place with such a "tragedy" in mind) the police are unlikely to actually press charges, even if a couple of low-level staffers die in the blaze.

Burn down the headquarters of any of the other major or minor political parties. No one is likely to be expecting or prepared for such a senseless act of carnage - especially if they're busy watching the MSZP HQ burn down on TV.

Steal a dog from somewhere in the countryside and take it to the demonstrations. Generally speaking, these inbred monsters spend all year cooped up behind fences, never getting a chance to maul even the most annoying neighbor-child. Plus, the police are likely to wear black, and most dogs in the Hungarian countryside have been properly trained to attack anything dark enough that it might be a gypsy. If it doesn't work, just point at the cops and yell "gypsy!" It'll understand, even in English.

Find a sweet-looking little old Hungarian lady who is taking her small dog for a walk in Budapest and, if she fails to clean up after the pooch, set her on fire. There will be a big fuss, and if you are caught you may regret having gone this far, though the police are also unlikely to actually press charges, especially if the old goat dies in the blaze. If the dog survives, bring it to the rally. It will be highly motiviated.

Bring a bullet-proof vest, leg-guards and a gun to the demonstrations. Newly-passed regulations ban the wearing of bullet-proof vests by civilians in public in Hungary. But the rules only take effect on March 28, meaning that you can freak the cops out with your menacing-looking Kevlar. Meanwhile, another set of regulations recently passed say that the cops are only allowed to fire rubber bullets at protesters' legs, and only if they are attacked by "armed" protesters. So while you are happily popping a cap into Johnny zsaru's foo ass, whatever pathetic toy bullets they fire back will just bounce off your legs, and further enrage the dogs.