Complete Text of Official Statement to the Slovak People

September 1, 2006

Slovaks
Slovakia
Under Poland
Europe

Dear Slovaks:

As you have no doubt heard, many of us down here in Hungary have in recent weeks become rather concerned over what appears to be a pattern of anti-Hungarian behavior on the part of many of you Slovaks up there in Slovakia. Before getting all "what, us Slovaks?" defensive, allow us first to calmly outline what has led us to ruin a perfectly sunny Friday writing you this letter.

From what we can tell, the present problems started a few years back, when a certain Slovak nationalist politician by the name of Ján Slota began saying all kinds of nasty things about the Hungarian minority living in Slovakia, and indeed of "razing Budapest to the ground." No sooner had his Slovak National Party joined Slovakia's government as a coalition partner earlier this summer than Slota upped the ante by accusing members of this community of "repressing" Slovaks.

The outbreak of verbal war was quickly followed by trouble on the ground. In May, two Hungarian teachers were imprisoned in the Slovak capital on charges of "illegal guiding." This was followed by the so-called YouTube scandal, in which several youths danced around and burned a Hungarian flag, accompanied by some really, really bad heavy metal. Inevitably, the dispute then moved to the soccer field. Matters have continued to escalate as several ethnic Hungarians have been stomped just for speaking Hungarian. Hungarian national icons have not got off lightly either, a statue of national poet Petőfi was recently defaced in Bratislava. And now we hear reports that Slovak Prime Minister Robert Fico gave an interview yesterday in which he said that the party representing Slovakia's Hungarian minority "are principally responsible for the current situation," accusing them of "hanging out in Hungarian ministries and offices day after day where they continuously coordinate moves."

Unfortunately, it appears that the protests of the Hungarian government have fallen on deaf ears, leading even some in Brussels to admit that Hungary can't get a break.

As a result of all this, you leave us no choice:

Consider that the proverbial shot over the bow. With a little bit of time and maybe a few beers we could think of stuff that will make you sorry you ever heard of Hungary, especially because the only weapon you have to fight back with is the Slovak Spectator.

So there you have it: If you continue to wind us up, we will not hesitate to unleash upon you a storm of satire stronger and fouler even than that nasty-ass string cheese shit you people seem to like so much. And if you doubt us, just ask the Slovenes.

You've been warned.

Sincerely,

Hungary