Malév to Demolish Fleet in "Fireball Extravaganza"

In a move that industry analysts and observers called audacious and unprecedented, the Hungarian State Privatization and Holding Company (ÁPV Rt) yesterday announced that it was canceling the privatization of Malév Hungarian Airlines, and would instead use the debt-ridden flag carrier's fleet of 27 aircraft as fodder for an unparalleled reality entertainment spectacle expected to raise hundreds of millions of euros for Hungary's cash-starved central budget. "We've tried to sell the company three times, and it just isn't working," Márton Vági, CEO of the ÁPV Rt, told reporters in a press conference announcing the daring move. "So now we're just going to fly the mother*@#%ing planes into the ground, and let people pay to watch."

While the announcement was sparked by the failure of yet another attempt to sell Malév, the option of liquidating the unprofitable airline in what Vági described as a "savage orgy of fire and twisted metal" had been under discussion for some months. But what had started as a "fall-back" contingency plan ended up being considered the best option for maximizing the financial return on the winding-down of Malév, as a team of management consultants from McKinsey and Co. determined that the downside to purposely wrecking the planes was minimal, while the upside almost limitless.

Vági (left) and Wachler: crash the mofo's into the ground

"During our evaluation, it became apparent that Malév would be unable to exit its aircraft leases without incurring tremendous additional losses," said McKinsey consultant Dr. Egon Wachler, head of the team retained by Malév. "But then we discovered that the planes were not only 'over-insured,' but covered by a policy that made no exemption in the case of purposeful damage. Meanwhile, our entertainment and tourism practice in London believes there are literally hundreds of millions of euros in consumer appetite for a spectacle in line with what Malév is offering, in terms of gate receipts at the crash site, pay-per-view and other add-on revenue streams."

The highlights: The 27 planes to be destroyed by Malév include jumbo jets such as the Boeing 737 (above) and 767 (at the top of the page), as well as commuter aircraft such as the Fokker 70 (middle) and Canadair CRJ 200 (bottom).

A total of 27 planes, including four Canadair CRJ 200s, five Fokker 70s commuter jets, 16 Boeing 737s, and a pair of long-haul Boeing 767-200ERs, will be destroyed in the spectacle, which is to be dubbed "Eurocrash 2005." The event will take place at the Taszar airfield, which until recently was an American Air Force Base, on July 30, the day before this year's Hungarian Grand Prix. "We believe that 'Eurocrash' and Formula 1 offer great potential synergies, and we expect that many who go to the Hungaroring will also come to Taszar," Wachler said, adding that ticket prices for Eurocrash will be in line with those for the race, ranging from under €100 for general admission to over €300 for seats in the "Super Gold" rostrum.

While these prices may seem steep, according to Vági, they are a bargain. "For the same money you'd pay to see a bunch of cars driving around in circles for an hour - and maybe one or two crashes, if you're lucky - Eurocrash will offer five hours of mind-blowing mayhem, capped off by a low-altitude mid-air collision of our two jumbo 767-200s, each with a wingspan of almost 50 meters, and carrying upwards of 90,000 liters of high-octane jet fuel."

In addition to revenue from spectators and pay-per-view, the event is expected to draw funding from various EU contemporary arts bodies, as well as from corporate sponsors. The organizers will also be offering a unique "go down in flames" package for those who wish to end their lives in dramatic fashion, and expect at least a dozen "final voyage" flights to originate in Holland, Denmark and other countries with strong right-to-die traditions.

"For just €5,000, you'll be able to check out in absolutely unparalleled style," Vági said, comparing the flights to the swan song of the supersonic Concorde, pointing out that each plane will be amply stocked with the finest champagne, caviar and other delicacies. "Though unfortunately it will be self-service," he added. "It turned out none of our cabin attendants wanted to kill themselves once they found out they wouldn't have to be Malév stewardesses anymore."