Your TV Guide to Cultural Literacy in Hungary

Like all foreigners living in Hungary, I occasionally experience vivid and jarring reminders of how out of touch I am with the normal routine of life in the county where I reside. Last Thursday evening I had one of those experiences, while making a brief appearance on a Hungarian television program. Though the process of being grilled by someone live and in Hungarian was shocking enough, what really made me feel like an interloper was the realization that it had been at least a month since I'd seen even a second of local television. Because in a country where a full 60% of the population is planted in front of the idiot box at 9:00 each night, if you don't know what's on TV, you are an utter ignoramus.

Before going any further, let me say that I am being almost totally serious. A decade and a half ago, an American writer coined the clever phrase "cultural literacy" (and with it a big pile of money) to described the common points of reference that citizens of a society needed to know so that all could "exchange ideas equitably." In other words, there was some stuff that everyone should know, just so people can have something to talk about other than sex and the weather, and generally feel like they are a part of things. While the original supporters of the cultural literacy movement no doubt meant that everyone should know, for example, who Shakespeare was and that cheese is made from milk, any sensible person knows that today it means knowing what is on television. This is not to suggest that you shouldn't also know who Shakespeare was and that cheese is made from milk, just that's it's not as important as knowing what's on TV, at least if you want to make sure that people don't think you are a retard, or an effete dickhead.

Unfortunately, having a TV and spending hours sitting on your duff slack-jawed in front of it is not longer a guaranteed way of becoming culturally literate. In fact, if you are a foreigner and have a TV in Hungary, chances are you are even more clueless and out of touch than those who don't. Because of all the cable and satellite channels now available, you can sit in Budapest and put in a full eight hours of watching and only get a minute or two of relevant local programming.

So just to make sure that you are not totally ignorant and uncultured, here are a ten talking points from Hungarian TV-land that you can let slip the next time you have a conversation with an actual Hungarian, meaning one who has a TV and knows how to use it:

1. Michelle Wild is going on "Jóban Rosszban"
The beloved porn queen, who recently had her first child and announced her retirement from Budapest's best-known entertainment industry sub-sector, has landed a part on TV2's daily hospital drama soap. She said she was happy to accept the role because she "can't sit still" and "likes creative work." She also says that her new acting gig should not imply a return to her old acting gig.

2. Everyone is Having Babies
A lot of the gossip-sheet reporting about TV celebrities these days seems to be about stars and their tykes. Last week, the disturbingly young-looking stars from soap leader "Barátok közt" ("Between Friends"), Ottó Kinizsi and Anita Deutsch, appeared on the cover of celeb glossy Story with their new tot. And just last Friday people were making a big stink over the fact that Péter Pachmann, host of TV2's "Tények" ("Facts"), is expecting his first baby this summer. As for why everyone is so excited about the stars and their kids, I can only guess that it has something to do with Hungary's demographic decline, which is apparently so bad now that the only thing rarer than television stars are babies.

3. László Tahi-Tóth is going on "Barátok közt"
The veteran star of stage and screen will play a painter, which he says is nice because he once studied to be a painter, and painting is one of his hobbies.

4. "Barátok közt" is Awful
But the show that a friend of mine calls "a really crappy and slow-moving soap opera which truly does suck" is still adored and watched by all Hungarian women between the ages of, well, birth and death.

5. Győzike is Funny, and Sad Too
The Roma singer's eponymous reality show is apparently packed with laughs. But Győzike himself is personally distraught over the possibility that he will never have a little Győzike ("Győzikeke?") to follow in his footsteps, because his wife lost one of her babies when she was pregnant with twins, and says she doesn't want any more kids.

6. István Pálffy is Saucy, and Usually Sauced-up
The country's most famous news anchor is exceptionally handsome, at least in my (almost totally) non-homo opinion, and whoever is making his suits is doing a fantastic job. But whenever I see him around town, he looks like he's just returned from a tasting trip to Bordeaux, and even his own website has pictures of him drinking.