"Killer" Paprika Banned; Cigs, Booze, Pills, Adultery Okay

Citing fears of a dangerous toxin, the Hungarian government took the extraordinary step yesterday of ordering the removal off all red ground paprika from the country's thousands of hypermarkets and neighborhood shops. The ban, which is to take effect this morning, follows the discovery of imported paprika contaminated by aflatoxin, which in large doses can cause cancer, and will lead to the removal of most signature Hungarian dishes from the nation's restaurants and dining room tables. While the outlawing of the country's favorite foods will likely cause anxiety and even gastric distress for millions of goulash and chicken paprika-addicted Magyars, observers expect the pain to be blunted by all the cigarettes, alcohol, heavy-duty prescription and over-the-counter drugs and tawdry, no-obligation unsafe sex that remain unaffected by the ban.

According to Health Minister Jenő Rácz, the ban followed the discovery of elevated levels of aflatoxin in samples from three major producers of paprika. The toxin, which occurs naturally in pepper plants in South America, does not decompose when cooked. Rácz went on to say that the government would investigate whether the companies illegally tried to pass off imported paprika as Hungarian-made.

Though the tainted samples allegedly contained 10-15 times the permitted amount of aflatoxin, Rácz said consumers would still need to eat at least 500 grams of dry paprika per week to put them in harm's way. By our count, this translates into approximately 50-150 servings of normally-spiced Csirke paprikás, or roughly the annual per-capita consumption of the stuff. He then admitted that it was unlikely that any of the tainted powder was actually lurking in the country's markets, shops or pantries.

Meanwhile, consumption of cigarettes, alcohol, pork lard, rich desserts, sajtos tejfölös lángos (fried dough with grated cheese and sour cream), powerful painkillers, unbridled unprotected sex with random strangers, and other key elements of the average Hungarian's daily march to an early grave are expected to remain unaffected, providing much-needed solace in this troubling moment of national danger.