We're Here, We're Huns - Get Used To It!

Hungary may soon have a unique new official minority on its hands, if a small but growing band of like-minded Magyars has its way. According to index.bu, a group of Hungarians is pressing for the formal classification of "Huns" as a kisebbség (minority), granting the alleged descendents of the original Attila all the rights and benefits of Hungary's Ruthenians, Croats, and other officially-recognized minorities, apparently including several different Roma (Gypsy) groups. "We founded the nation in 1992, but until now we were persecuted," said Imre Josua Novák, rector and "messenger" of the Hun Országos Kisebbségi Önkormányzatot alapítója (Nation of Huns Heritage Foundation), the current representative of the mounted savages who came to be known as the "Scourge of God" (or the more poetic fleau de dieu to the Gauls) when they drenched Europe in blood in the last years of the Roman Empire. "After Hungary's accession to the EU, we can finally come out of hiding." Uh-oh.

Being classified as an official minority in Hungary is not as difficult as it might seem. According to a 1993 law, all you have to do is prove your countrymen have resided in Hungary for at least 100 years and have their own pre-existing cultural, religious or linguistic character. And then you have to collect 1,000 signatures within two months.

Certainly the signature part will be no problem. "This would be easy to collect, as we pyramid-building Huns have distant relatives even in Hawaii," Novák said, noting the theory that the Huns sprung from a since-vanished island near Hawaii called Ataisz roughly 5,000 years before the birth of Christ.

"We will get at least 500 signatures at each Fradi game," he added, referring to the local football club whose fans are noted for their interest in Hungary's cultural history, and wanton violence.

As for the other requirements of official minority status, Novák said he also has few worries. For one thing, if he and the other self-styled Huns are actually Huns, they have been in Hungary for a lot longer than 100 years. He also explained that the Huns have a unique religion that is the result of 6,000 years of development.

Most historians discount the idea that "Hun" and "Hungarian" are one and the same, arguing instead that the Huns of old were fully assimilated into Europe's other tribes, and that the name "Hungarian" came about as a misunderstand between Magyars and Germans. Then again, they would probably dispute the idea that the Huns built the pyramids, or played an important role in the development of modern business management techniques or ski and motorcycle apparel.

For their part, government officials charged with managing the Huns' request for recognition are taking a wait-and-see attitude. Ficzere Lajos, president of the Országos Választási Bizottság (National Election Commission), the body which will review the petition, dodged the question of whether the Huns' claim was valid, perhaps remembering the ten thousand scythe-bedecked chariots and one million soldiers the Huns used to conquer the Romans, Goths, Dacians, Lithuanians, Normans, Russniaks, Pamphylians, Phrygians - not to mention the inhabitants of Pannonia, which roughly corresponds to present-day Hungary. An MP of the governing Hungarian Socialist Party likewise declined to criticize the Huns' proposal, saying he would vote for the measure if they could fulfill one of the legal criteria.

Either way, Novák says Hungary's Huns are here to stay, and suggests others take their Hunness seriously. "We believe that parliament will vote for our cause, because it wouldn't be good for Hungary if it oppressed minorities." We couldn't agree more.

UPDADTE: If you're interested in Huns, and haven't yet seen it, be sure to check out this.