And I'd Especially Like to Thank My Gynecologist

Forget the Oscars. This past weekend Budapest played host to the third annual Tutti Frutti szexkorona díjátadó gála, the awards ceremony for the Hungarian hard-core sex industry. Before getting to the action, we'd like to make a couple of apologies. First, we're sorry that it took us so long to file a report on this, but we thought it was necessary to first do a little bit of background research on each of the winners of these prestigious awards. We'd also like to apologize in advance if any of what we found out, and are about to tell you, is a bit shocking or offensive. (It is, at least if you've never seen a skin flick.) So if you are easily offended, all you have to do is not press that little blue tag marked "continued…"

Good, we didn't want them reading this anyway.

Okay, so the event was held at the New Orleans Music Club, where big video screens played continuous highlights of the industry's latest offering, while félmeztelen (topless) waitresses offered drinks and who knows what else to the audience of dignitaries and special guests.

Just like at the Oscars, there were more prize categories (sixteen) than you could ever hope to remember, a tongue-tied master of ceremony (Lolita Angel, who apologized for only having received her lines earlier that day, unlike the weeks of rehearsing and read-throughs she no doubt gets when making a movie) and snazzy statuettes presented to enthralled winners honored just to be nominated. There was even a great man of culture, 78-year old Kossuth Prize-winning writer Gyulá Hernádi, on hand to present some awards, and to announce, inexplicably, that he had come "As a representative of handicapped people, but even given my handicap I can still enjoy sex."

Just like at the Oscars, we are going to skip the most minor of the awards, while at the same time acknowledging that even to be nominated for one must be a great honor. So on to the winners:

• The award in the Most Erotic actor category was taken home by Cristina Bella, star of such hits as Girl+Girl No. 4, Legs in the Air, as well as the splendidly-sounding "foreign titles" Szenen einer Ehe, Tutto su mia moglie and Scambio di letti. Like many award-winning actresses, Bella uses a stage name, only by our count it is more like 10: She also goes by Christina Bella, Krisztina Bella, Alexa, Bella, Linda, Patty Taylor, Sandy Wolf, Sari Monella and Szegedi Bella, not to be confused with Béla Szegedi, who seems to have been compelled to take down his personal website because of the confusion. Because of this, we'll be sticking from here on in to the names used during the ceremony. Even in cyberspace, there probably isn't enough room to list the aliases and a.k.a.'s of this lot.

• In the Most Passionate category, the award went to Mandy Bright, who has enthralled filthy pervs around the world with such fare as Euro Angels Hardball No. 21 and No. 24, Francesca Le's Overload, Grand Theft Anal, Buttman's Anal Divas No. 2, Joey Silvera's Service Animals No. 14 and Rocco: Animal Trainer No. 14, directed by and co-starring local favorite (and Tom-George regular) Rocco Siffredi.

• The Best New Female Talent prize was scooped up by Victoria Swinger, thanks to her efforts in Christopher Clark's Beautiful Girls No. 14, Leg Affair No. 6, and Rocco: Hazardous Duty, also a Siffredi production.

• Swinger's male counterpart in the Best New Male Talent category was Lauro Giotto, who has wowed crowds with Euro Angels Hardball No. 22, Big Natural Tits No. 10 and No. 11, White Hot Nurses No. 2 and, inevitably, Rocco's True Anal Stories No. 21 and No. 24. At press time it could not be determined which side of the, er, buy-sell relationship Giotto was on in RTAS No. 21 and No. 24, or how long one gets to be on either side and still be consider "new" talent. Our position is that, once he gets up to True Anal Story No. 30, he should be considered a full-fledged member of the pornographic movie community, if not a scarred veteran.

• Cony Ferrara (Fetish & Magic, Harder Faster No. 3 and No. 4, Anal Intruders, Incredible Gulp No. 4, and the dubious sounding Ten Little Piggies) won the prize for the Best Sex Scene, but she was unable to take it home herself, as she was busy filming in Italy. So her mother accepted the award instead. We kid you not.

• The Sexiest Pornstar was judged to be Monique Covét, based on her work in such classics as My First Time, Lust Treasures No. 7, Sex Non-Stop, The Private Life of Wanda Curtis, and Splendor of Hell, which on no account should be confused with Hell, Whores and High Heels.

• The hightly-coveted Best Porn Actress award was won by the highly-coveted Maya Gold, whose commanding performances can be enjoyed in Euro Angels Hardball No. 22, Garden of Seduction, Pleasures of the Flesh No. 4, Voyeur No. 27, Chasing Tail No. 2, Euro Girls Never Say No No. 2, Devil Deep Inside, Fetish Recall: Fact or Fiction?, Tequila Bum Bum, and the Kovi-directed No Job, No Blow.

• Ferenc Hopka won the award for best director, and industry titan Kovi took home the best producer honors. We'd list their credits, but our hands are getting tired.

Finally, no film awards ceremony would be complete without a teary tribute to a fading screen icon, and this year's szexkorona was no exception, as the peerless Michelle Wild, who is pregnant and retiring from active duty, was presented with a Lifetime Achievement Award.

Wild, the star of such genre-stretching blockbusters as 110% Natural No. 4, 3X1:Three Girls on One Guy, Crack Her Jack, Click Here to Enter, and the travel videos I want to @#&* You In the Kitchen and Fresh Meat No. 17: City Morgue.. and Other Points of Interest, called it a "great gesture that I was given this award from the business." Kovi seemed especially moved, saying "I'm sad that Michelle is retired, because she cannot be replaced."